Surreptitiously

I wrote this essay in May 2022 for a dutch blog about living with chronical illness.

I didn't want to hear that no at all and especially not from this man. So I just didn't ask and drew my own plan, because I knew, from him I would not get that coveted yes.

No arguments, no fierce words, no disappointments.

Nor did I want to ask for permission like a little girl and so I did it secretly. I secretly let my new boyfriend move in and sleep with me, knowing the landlord would never agree.

But that didn't take away from the fact that I felt like a little girl again.

Of course, I did this more often as a child, secretly 'going my way' anyway because I thought I wouldn't get it: snatching a biscuit from the tin before asking if I could have one, secretly pretending to have swum seven metres underwater to get that badly needed swimming certificate, 'accidentally' coming home later than I was supposed to be. Just because I wanted to avoid the chance of a no beforehand.

Just like that one time when I as a girl was completely panicking because I really didn't want to not get my way.

After all, I had set my sights on that one very special stuffed dog. I had seen it in the toy shop in the village for months. Every time we were there, I couldn't resist picking up the soft dog, hugging it and, of course, taking it with me.

"Just ask him for your birthday," was the reply my parents repeated every time. So when my birthday came around, this amazing soft toy was at the top of my wish list.

I constantly asked my parents if I would get this dog, but they decided not to answer my cascade of questions. My birthday present was shrouded in a lot of mystery, which only made me more desperate.

At one point, I remember it well, I was home alone. My little brother was playing somewhere and my mother had to do some shopping: I saw the opportunity and searched the whole house for a packed cuddly dog. In vain. Nothing, but nothing that looked like a hidden present.

That night, I cried myself to sleep. I was afraid my deepest wish would not be fulfilled. I wanted that dog so badly and now it seemed my parents had not even heard my wish.

Of course I did get that dog. How they managed to hide it so well is still a mystery to me, but he lived faithfully on the bed with me for years. He remained my best friend forever.

But now I was standing there in my rented bedroom, sneaking around like a little girl again, even though I was now 40-plus. I smuggled my boyfriend upstairs, erased any evidence of us being together in the kitchen and locked my bedroom door.

I didn't want to hear no, I didn't want an argument, but I also knew that my action would generate a lot of anger with the landlord. In the end, it cost me dearly and I had to quickly look for another place to live.

Afraid of not getting what I wanted, I behaved as usual: evasive, secretive, sneaky. Without any confidence in the other person, in myself and my own power to stand for what I wanted to stand for.

It was a good example of not being honest, not with myself and not with others, even though I had so promised myself that year to be just that and take responsibility for my own life.

I eventually learnt from that and changed my ways, but like an onion, you naturally peel away a layer to bring out another. Indeed, there is another no that I have preferred not to hear all my life: that of my own body.

A fortnight ago, it happened again: I had carried on until my body made it very clear that I had forgotten to take her into account. I call moments like that System Overload. It then feels like I have an electrical short circuit in my body. You know them, those cartoon characters who stick their finger in the socket: that!

After getting my body reasonably calm again with lots of rest, lots of tea, a moment of fasting and my go-to magnesium supplements, it's time to re-calibrate.

To examine where I was getting too much input again and actually not taking my rest when I needed to. In other words, when I would rather not hear my body's no. This time, too, I adjusted my schedule again. And this time, too, I know it will take a few System Overloads before I get it right, as always.

After all, it is so damn hard to accept that no from my body and not have the 'normal' 100%, just when there are so many fun things coming up again.

That biscuit jar... It's secretly so deliciously full, don't you think?

With Love,

Daphne