Softness

It seems I have been sowing seeds of indecision all winter, because now suddenly my entire inner landscape is full of flowers of doubt.

And it's true, I've been working on this theme for a while last year. I mentioned once before that I was no longer so sure what my voice really was and how to express it?

But looking around me now, I suddenly fall a lot deeper: is writing really the way I want to put myself out in the world? And should I even continue with this blog? And what should I do with that plan of a book?

Three years ago, from a similar kind of doubt about artistry, I came to writing precisely. I couldn't get everything I wanted to say crammed into a picture, photo or typography. I found that I needed 'more words' than a sheet of watercolour paper gave me as space.

And I discovered that I enjoyed putting my thoughts on paper. Making the words flow so that they came in to your readers. Fiddling with order, words and rhythm. Looking for focal points and, of course, always a positive ending.

But it turns out it is not that easy: just 'writing' is not the whole answer. For how do I really want to put my voice out into the world and, perhaps most importantly, do I actually want to 'put myself out into the world'?

How many things I've had to let go of in recent years because they weren't mine. Because the thoughts on a topic ended up not being mine, because what I felt I had to do turned out not to be my authentic way. You know, I think the deeper question behind that is: what am I actually here to DO?

What did I actually come here on earth to do?

I've had that before, in my previous relationships for example. What am I doing here?

Or in the houses I lived in, especially the really big ones. What am I doing here?

But I also often talk about being here on earth.

What on earth am I doing here? Why did my soul choose to be here, in this country, with this family, in this skin?

A therapist said to me a few years ago, "Being born is already a gift to this earth!". OK, very nicely said but you have to come and DO something, right? Right?

"Letting go of the desire to succeed, own and possess.... is difficult but liberating." - Ayesha Khan, PH.D.

If there is anything I have never doubted in my entire life it is my name. I couldn't have thought of it better myself and I know there is no second name like mine. And my birth date? Perfect. The numbers of the day, month and year are exactly as I would like them to be.

And I don't mean this in an ego way. It's not that, even though I have a tick with numerology, it's a thought in my head.

No, it seems like my soul chose it that way with her whole heart and her plan worked out perfectly. My parents did have to change their minds about my name a few times before that, and my mother also had to hold out for two more weeks until the delivery. I hope she didn't mind that much, I'm glad she heard that gentle little voice of my soul at that time, because our soul's voice is not usually that loud.

So, all that planning, there must be a reason, right? Why else was everything arranged so that I would have been born with that name on that day in that year?

When I look at astrology and numerology, for instance, my date of birth seems to be a clear sign: my sun is in Leo in the eighth house, my moon in Cancer in the seventh house, as if it should have been that way.

Hence the question, what am I here to do?

During moments of self-doubt, I seek the answers for my reason for existence almost automatically by searching around outside myself. For instance, somewhere in the attic is an almost book-sized extract of my astrology, which I once had made when I was laid off. In my email box is a link to the explanation of the outcome of a personality test I took a few years ago. In my phone's photo album, I keep a print screen of my Human Design layout.

Then I scour the entire internet to research how I stand in life according to those systems. What does it say about me that Pluto is in Libra and Aquarius in the second house? How does a Mediator personality naturally behave? And what obstacles do I face because I am a Pure Manifesting Generator?

I must say, all those hours of reading, searching and 'connecting the dots'... it is informative.

But what it does most of all, and maybe that's what I was looking for, is that it makes me look at myself more softly. Another step more softer.

At my pluses.

At my downsides.

And everything in between.

This is how I found out that I actually prefer to wait and then act. I discovered that I always hit my nose, and that this is part of my life lesson. That I sometimes move too fast forward, backward or to the left because it seems more interesting there. And that all is therefore okay, because it is part of me.

And then spring came.

After long winter months of extreme drought, everyone here held their breath, but then she was just there again: the earth sprouted with life, with bees, birds, frogs, flowers. Especially lots of flowers. I am in one word enchanted by the power of nature, the urge of our earth to LIVE.

But this spring, I also discovered that after working 5 hours somewhere else I want to be mostly here. Here in our spot in a small valley near Granada. Where our little house is, with our animals, the trees and our little vegetable garden.

Not in an ego way, it's not that it's a thought in my head. But from my soul, with my whole heart, I know this is where I need to be right now.

"Find your place on the planet. Dig in, and take responsibility from there." - Gary Snyder

Even as a child, my greatest happiness was nature and animals. At 10, I was walking by the houses to raise money for Greenpeace, holding lectures at school about the grasshopper and the panda bear. I had to learn to have compassion for humans, but for nature I had it naturally. After all, I started from the idea that humans can take care among themselves, but animals and other creatures have no 'human' voice. So that I had to stand up for that.

Consequently, the animal kingdom is one of my great diversions. I can very easily be distracted during a good conversation by a soft plaintive meow or the struggle of a bee in the pool water. I sometimes say, I don't get focused on what I actually come here to do because I am so in connection with nature.

What this connection with nature does allow me to focus on, and I hear this from people who stay here for a few days, is my body. Through the natural silence, through the relaxing greenery, through the work with your hands, you suddenly hear a lot more. Not just the flow of blood in your ears, but also that little voice of your heart, your feelings hidden far away, your pain numbed by overstimulation. The connection with nature brings me back to myself, my worldly jacket, my body.

Nature is my mirror.

It teaches me that maybe, just maybe, my purpose here is to just love this earth a lot, this place, with all its great challenges.

Above all, it teaches me to BE who I am, in all my mysterious glory.

Leo may be a fiery astrological sign, but this Leo is also a cat who, after a short hunt for vegetables in the vegetable garden, basks in the sunshine, completely withdrawn into herself. A cat who can just be as she is, at any time of day, without feeling the need to change herself. Who dares to stand still in the swell of the day, without the idea of having to do anything, because for her, BEING is already LIVING.

And no, I still don't really know what I am here to DO now. But that doesn't matter either. I try simply by BEING, to let that which stands in the way of who I am at my deepest level, to dissolve into the stillness of my inner softness. Because as Anna Vali says, "The only way to get where you want to be is to be where you are."

Can you look at yourself with softness? I'd love to know how you manage that! Let me know in the chat.

With love,

Daphne