Dare To Give Up
What must I dare to give up if I assume my time is worth its weight in gold? What must I learn to leave behind to go for what I would really like to do? A little research.
Like an envelope, I lie rolled in blankets on the mat of my my friend and shiatsu masseuse Maria. She sits next to me and gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder signalling that the massage is over. As I slowly leave the warm bed of love she has created around me, I already know what she is going to say:
"That will be another time next week."
My body has been hurting on one side for more than six months. Especially in my arm, I feel that the energy does not want to flow and my muscles are completely stuck there.
I am not into doctors, so I always try to solve it in a holistic way.
I look at what the pain is telling me, where it might be coming from and then try to find natural solutions. Vitamins, minerals, herbs, power stones, reiki, those are generally the medicines in my medicine cabinet. I thought, this pain was coming from a lot of hard work, still an effect of building the house, or, no, the after-effects of the Covid attack a year before. Relaxation and rest felt like the right solution.
During the busy summer and the hard work in the garden, I bit my lip a little more often: "Just get on with it Daphne, this will disappear on its own. In autumn you can rest." Until I woke up at night in pain again.
When Maria saw me last week and asked me honestly if I was all right, I had to confess that physically I was 'just hanging in there'.
So I ended up on her mattress in the dome which she had delightfully warmed with a woodfire. Enjoying a tea and the beautiful view of the orange autumn colours, I told her about my struggle with time, with myself and with my bank account. With being unable to find a 'gap' in my daily schedule, for me, for what I really enjoy, for what I want to do with my heart and soul: writing.
The pain, she says after a few vigorous pushes on my arm, is in the great protector of the heart. And she suspects a blockage at my heart, which, according to shiatsu, besides love, is also the representation of our soul's desires, for what we really want to put out into the world. Had I been looking for it in the wrong corner myself! But now a lot of pennies dropped.
Get to work
In good spirits, I took home a whole pile of daily stretching exercises and the appointment for the next week was marked in my diary. Sitting on my yoga mat in the middle of our little house, I felt how much I had actually been holding myself back the past few months. And how tired my body actually was of that.
I had put my heart, my heart's desire, in a cage, a very small cage, with thick bars and outside it I was defending my time. My time that I labelled gold. I had already thrown all kinds of tasks, assignments and jobs out the door, but I still didn't give my heart a chance to sing. My ego wanted to stay in control and my head wanted safety.
Right down to a rigid body, a heart in a cage.
And what do I dare to give up?
Because in the end, my fight, my cage, is a fight with myself. While I can shout to others to be mindful of my time, I myself have to put my ass on that chair, trust myself and have faith that what I love to do will somehow pay off.
And then the real question actually turns out to be: if my time is worth gold what am I willing to give up, no, even: what am I really daring to give up?
As so often, the answer to such a question comes to me via inexplicable coincidences.
While having breakfast, I leaf through the Happinez magazine and an article on Nine Star Ki astrology catches my eye. The magic word dropped, I google my signs and what turns out: my whole being is earth and the sign is mountain.
In my brief little research, I discover two views on this outcome: either the mountain is seen as rigid and immobile, as something you have to go over, around or through with great difficulty. But I also read a vision of the mountain as a bringer of life, a maker of rain, fertile soil and building material.
A message lights up in my screen: "Help!" A friend in India asks me to book a plane ticket for her. But after the umpteenth request for help from her, this mountain suddenly feels all run down. I remind myself that a wildlife sanctuary usually closes after sunset and it is best to keep my 'wildlife sanctuary' closed for a few weeks after a long time of intensive day-trippers' visits during the holidays.
And so lately I hear myself saying it more and more often: help yourself!
To a young couple in the caravan, who are balking because the rain comes tomorrow and the canopy is not yet finished, but who are going to Madrid tomorrow for three weeks
To my love when he gets irritated by his things lying around the house because I don't tidy them up
To a colleague when she keeps abandoning her task and asks me to do it
To people who want bite-sized answers
To a client who tries ten times to make an appointment for a reiki and everytime is not there herself
And so also to this friend standing in panic at an unfamiliar airport:
But I say it mostly to myself: help yourself not to keep jumping up when others seem to need it.
Because what I really need to dare to give up is always being there for others, being there when they need it, making sure that all their discomforts disappear like snow in the sun. Now.
However noble, it doesn't help myself.
So today Maria is working not only on my heart, but also on my base chakra: my fire, my power, my reason, no, my right to be and do what I need, so that what I want may actually get there.
And the nice thing is that I get to pay for the sessions with cupcakes: not with paper and cold coins but with warm deliciousness. Especially for Maria, I now make some goodies every week with a tuft of persimmon or cherry jam. But mostly with love, straight from my heart.
So ask yourself, to help yourself, what should you really dare to give up?
Leave ypur answere in the comments:
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